Ladies Tip List

*Disclaimer: these apply to all genders, the name just bangs

This year I found myself unexpectedly single after a long term relationship which started and ended due to Tinder. But, as I am a hopeful romantic and not sure how to date without the internet, I am determined to make Tinder work for me.

Navigating the online dating world as a black woman is difficult. You go in with the knowledge that for most people, you are immediately unattractive. A study using the Facebook dating app, Are You Interested, analysed responsiveness by race and found that black men and black women were the group least likely to get a “Yes” response. Personally, I try and see this as a positive as it makes it easier to weed out the racists.

Unfortunately, that still leaves me with black fetishists, cheats, trap lords, guys fresh out of pen, really really bad SoundCloud rappers (shockingly bad), self-proclaimed “nice guys” and actual nice guys that just aren’t right for me.

I like to think of myself as a positive person and I genuinely believe everything from links to relationships are potential learning opportunities. For example, when on a fourth date with a guy who pulls down his trousers to reveal a blood stain on his boxers from his recent circumcision, you learn that circumcision stitches are huge. When that guy then asks you to lick the tip, you learn that some people do not practice self-care and value head over avoiding getting an infected penis from all the bacteria that can live in a mouth.

I realised a lot during 2016, like often when SoundCloud rappers are really bad, it’s because they’re just stoned all the time. So you shouldn’t be surprised when he arrives on the first date so high that his eyes are barely open, but still make the most of it and get something expensive on the menu.

I think the key to using any computer program, which is basically how I see Tinder, is to have an algorithm. A formula you can lean on to help you make the right choices, and this is where my six key tips for weeding out fuckboys (or mean girls or unkind non-binary people) will come in handy.

So far, as these techniques have worked a lil too well and I am too afraid of commitment to drop all but my fave boyfriend completely, I would appreciate it if some of you could take them off my hands.

IF THEY MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE: UNMATCH, BLOCK, DELETE.
It’s pretty self-explanatory if someone makes you feel uncomfortable before you have even met, it’ll probably be worse. Remember that you don’t owe anyone a chance just for being attracted to you, especially not strangers on the internet.

IF THE CONVO IS DEAD ONLINE, IT’LL PROBABLY BE EVEN DEADER IRL
When you’re texting, you have time to make the wittiest, funniest and most original responses so if you can barely get beyond “hey! hi wuu2? nm you? just chillin…” then it’s gonna be hard to go beyond that in real life.

DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET
I don’t mean you should lie or hurt people, I mean when you are just getting to know someone, get to know other people too. This ensures that people are made to feel more expendable, so when they do make you feel uncomfortable, or bore you, it’s much easier to remove them.

A SOBER FIRST DATE
Someone asking you out for a drink on a first date is totally normal but if someone seems obviously disappointed when you say that you don’t drink then that’s an immediate red flag for me. If you need someone to be intoxicated to date them, you’re a predator. (PS: I am tee-total but if you do drink maybe say that you’re just taking a break from alcohol instead.)

A SEXLESS FIRST DATE
By this I don’t mean not having sex, I mean make your date as least sex orientated as possible.
Stay away from dates that are initiated with “let’s just chill” because even if it’s non-exclusive, they should still have an interest in you personally.

THAT FIRST KISS
If it doesn’t leave you looking for more, you have no chemistry. Leave it babes.

Beyond this it’s up to you but I expect to be made an honorary guest at your wedding or civil partnership ceremony.