fbpx

An award winning media company committed to sharing the perspectives of people of colour from marginalised genders

Alex Smyth

How a dry tit-wank made me realise that sex can be just…sex

Dating with fewer emotional expectations has meant that one writer's sexual mishap has easily turned into a funny anecdote.

23 Mar 2022

Welcome back to gal-dem’s new monthly dating column ‘Swipe Left’. This month, we have an anonymous guest entry as Shanice officially retires as our resident dating columnist! Look out for new stories on love, sex and relationships in the upcoming editions.

We’re in my bedroom and things are going well. The mood lighting is working beautifully, thank you IKEA. It’s one of those moments when the mirror isn’t an enemy and I’m very happy with how I look in it. This is a great encounter. Little did I know this was going to be the last encounter we were going to have. 

*

Over the past six months, I’d taken a step back from dating. My head wasn’t in it and potential partners on Hinge frequently cringed me out with boring questions like, “what do you do?”.  Like, come on, be a bit more interesting? Every experience I’ve had felt either full of expectations or just too hard, conversations were stale.

But then I realised: just because the dating has been dry as hell, I don’t need to sacrifice my sex life. Since I signed up to the dating app Feeld five months ago, my world view has opened to sex positivity galore. I can now decode the following acronyms without the help of Urban Dictionary: ONS, FwB, DDLG, NTr.

“I realised: just because the dating has been dry as hell, I don’t need to sacrifice my sex life.”

Feeld is an app that describes itself as “a positive space for humans looking to explore dating beyond the norm” and I’ve known it to be very sex-positive. When I joined, it was a real varied experience. I was taken aback by the very forward men who wanted to “lick me from tongue to arsehole” (you do you boo, but that is way too visceral for my taste), but also some very chilled and easy to chat to individuals. In comparison to the sadbois of Hinge who only want to talk at you about their career in the creative industry, this was a massive relief. There was a different energy in the interactions I was having and as a result, it made me bring a different energy to the table too. It felt like there were fewer expectations. After half a year of boring chat and boring dates, this is exactly what I needed. 

*

After talking to a few guys, I match with R (names are anonymous on the app as a recommendation). He starts the conversation thanking me for matching – lovely. Then he tells me about his star sign – a green flag. We move the conversation to WhatsApp and get more flirty and more risqué, testing each other’s boundaries for openness. After just one week, we’re talking everyday and it’s fun. So fun that we decide on a weeknight date for ‘dinner at his’ (hint, hint). 

When I arrive to meet him at his place, he meets me outside to navigate me into the underground parking and I straight up panic. He’s not exactly what I thought he’d look like from his pictures. He’s a bit skinnier and less tanned – I forget real life is different to our Instagram reels sometimes. Luckily, I had given my friend a live tracking of my location and a recent picture of myself (you have to stay safe out in these streets), so all was covered. Panic subsides a bit as I smell his cologne. It’s a good one, and I realise that I am a grown woman who can leave if she wants to at any point of the encounter. 

Until… I see blood in his semen, and he is definitely making a sound of pain and not ecstasy”

We go up to his, and he doesn’t try to make a move. Instead he wants to sit and chat. We then cook food together in his kitchen and I forget we have met through an app for casual sex. I guess I was expecting the date to be straight into the bedroom, but instead this was actually a really nice human interaction. Making a connection first, which after meeting R, is now a must for me. I realised that’s exactly what I wanted too. 

After dinner is over and we head over to his room to ‘watch a film’ but instead have mind-blowing sex. At one point he ends up putting my toe in his mouth (I am very grateful I shaved my toes earlier). 

This sexual relationship continues for the next two months, wild escapades here and there, with sexting to fill the gaps. But then we have a final and very unexpected encounter.

He comes over to my house and I’m dressed in my sexy but ‘casual everyday’ Fenty silk pyjamas. We start on the sofa and move to my bedroom. I then run to the bathroom, but when I come back, he’s taken the condom off because he told me he wants to come on my boobs. That’s cool. I get on top of him and offer my boobs. He loves it, says it’s so sexy for him. Meanwhile, I’m looking at my lamp thinking I need to give it a Dettol wipe to rid that thick layer of dust. He’s about to come, so I snap back into the zone and pull away. He also pulls away and comes with a very loud groan – compliments to the chef. Until… I see blood in his semen, and he is definitely making a sound of pain and not ecstasy. Understandably, I freak the fuck out.

He goes to the bathroom and tells me everything is fine. While I’m repeatedly shouting: “I’m SO sorry – oh my god!” He comes back, we cuddle, I say sorry over and over. Then he leaves. 

Dating with fewer expectations has allowed me to realise that sexual encounters can be meaningful in interaction, but overall, not that emotionally deep”

Over the next few days the conversation feels off. I ask “is this over?” to which he replies “it’s been lovely to meet you but yes,” and I have to ask why. His reply is along the lines of someone else coming back into his life. I choose to believe him. It’s sad because I do miss the great sex we had. I felt that we were really compatible in interests and sexuality, so it was upsetting to let something go that I felt could really work for me. But also, I understand that once blood comes out of your penis area during sex, it’s probably the last time you will want to have sex with that person unless it’s a more committed relationship – and even then, I wouldn’t count on it. 

I think if it had been a date from any other app, I may have internalised him leaving and ending the relationship as a rejection. Before joining Feeld, I felt like sexual interactions were a lot more weighted; things had to work out in conversation as well as the bedroom, and if it didn’t, it felt like I had done something wrong.

Dating with fewer expectations has allowed me to realise that sexual encounters can be meaningful in interaction, but overall, not that emotionally deep. It’s been liberating to be more open to sexual experiences. And besides, they do make for memorable stories.